The Unholy Trinity Hangover (7/9)
Title: The Unholy Trinity Hangover
Author: Race122VE (Coll)
Pairing: Santana/Brittany, Quinn/Rachel
Summary: Basically The Hangover Brittana/Faberry/Unholy Trinity style. Santana and Brittany take Quinn and Rachel to Vegas for a bachelorette party, wackiness ensues. Glee AU fic.
Word Count: 27,410 ish, completed.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
"This does seem not fair."
Quinn's complaining. Again.
"It's rock, paper, scissors," Santana groans as Brittany pushes five of her roofies into a slab of raw steak. "There's nothing more fair."
"Brittany should do it."
"Brittany got punched in the face by Sue Sylvester," Santana yells back. "Come on, Quinn…do it for Berry."
It looks like Quinn wants to argue further, but both of them get a little thrown off when they notice Brittany shaking a generous amount of pepper onto the steak. "Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper…"
Brittany looks up at Quinn, still seasoning the meat. "Tigers love pepper," she tells Quinn seriously. "They hate cinnamon."
Quinn blinks and turns to Santana, "Just…do it. You should do it."
"I would," Santana shrugs, trying hard not to smile at Quinn's misfortune. "But you lost. Wouldn't be right…"
"OK," Brittany says as she carefully picks up the steak and holds it out for Quinn. "I jammed five roofies in there. Just go in there and throw it to him."
Quinn sends one more begging look to Santana, who rolls her eyes in response, before taking the steak and walking over to the bathroom.
"Make sure he eats the whole thing," Santana calls out as Quinn grips the doorknob and slides into the bathroom.
Brittany hops up on the table to face Santana and smiles as she starts swinging her legs back and forth. Santana smiles back at her, marveling in Brittany's carefree ways. I mean, she's got a wicked shiner and she's just bouncing where she sits probably thinking about puppies or rainbows or other cute shit while Rachel's still missing and Quinn's feeding a fucking tiger that they have to get back to Sue.
Santana doesn't think she's ever loved her more. So she tells her. "I love you, you know."
Brittany's legs stop swinging and she tilts her head as she takes in Santana's sudden declaration. She gets nervous for some reason and it's weird. Her and Brittany have been together for so long and have been saying 'I love you' for what feels like their entire relationship, so there's no reason to doubt that Brittany won't say it back.
And yet here she is, worrying.
But when Brittany goes blank it means she's really thinking about something. "We don't have to stay married you know," Brittany finally blurts out. "I know we love each other a whole lot and if you're scared that's gonna change or something we can get the anal-ment-"
"Annulment," Santana corrects her softly, her tone full of affection.
"Yeah, that," Brittany goes on. "I'm just gonna be happy as long as we're together. I know it's mean to think this, but I'm so happy Rachel's missing instead of you. I don't know what I'd do-"
Santana's up from her seat and standing between Brittany's legs as soon as the blonde's voice starts to crack. Her palms come up to rest on Brittany's cheeks as she softly shushes her. "It's OK, B," she lets her know. "I can't tell you how many times I thought that today, and I'm gonna apologize to Quinn when we find Berry cause I'd be doing the same thing if it was you."
Brittany's legs wrap themselves around her thighs and she pulls Santana closer as her hands reach up to lay on top of Santana's. "I love you too," she says back before Brittany's leaning forward and pressing their lips together.
They stay that way for a little while until Quinn screams from the bathroom makes them pull back and turn their heads towards the bathroom door. "Shit. I forgot about the tiger again."
Quinn bursts out and slams the door behind her and glares at them. "Really?" she asks, gesturing to their positions. "I'm feeding the tiger and you're making out?"
Brittany shakes her head. "We weren't making out the whole time, Quinn. We were just saying how happy we were that Rachel's-"
"Everything go OK in there?" Santana cuts Brittany off loudly as she steps back a little but keeps an arm around Brittany's shoulders.
"Great, I just fed a fucking tiger," Quinn bites back. "What do we now?"
Santana shrugs, "We wait."
"We're all gonna die," Quinn mumbles. "Just so you know."
She's helping Brittany maneuver the baggage cart that they're using to get the tiger downstairs and into the car. Santana shuts the door behind them before following them down the hall towards the elevator, motioning for Brittany to fix the sheet not covering the tiger's mouth.
Surprisingly, they get the tiger down to the car and loaded without anything more than a few curious glances in their direction, but they look like shit. Brittany's eye just keeps getting worse, Quinn never really wiped off all the dried blood around her mouth from when her tooth was pulled out, and Santana's lip is still busted open.
"When's the next Haley's comet?"
Santana and Quinn turn their heads towards Brittany. They'd been driving in silence till just now and Santana's having a hard enough time concentrating on the road so Quinn attempts to answer. "I don't think it's for, like, another…60 years or something."
"It's not tonight?"
"But you don't know for sure?" Quinn shakes her head cause, honestly, she doesn't know for sure, but Brittany just keeps talking regardless. "My cousin Marcus saw one and he said it blew his mind. I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out on a Haley's comet. So…if you guys know if there's gonna be one-"
A loud growl interrupts Brittany and the car erupts in screams. Santana jerks the car to the side of the road and yelps when the now very much awake tiger swipes at her, leaving scratch marks on her neck. "Shit," she hissed as she puts the car in park and runs out, tugging Brittany behind her followed by Quinn then slamming the door shut.
Cars continue to zoom by them as they watch in horror as the tiger begins to rip apart the seats and break windows and just basically fucks the car up. Her hand comes up to rub her neck where the tiger got her and she pulls back her hand now covered in red.
Brittany's staring at her with wide, scared eyes and Santana wipes the blood away on her pants as she stares back at Brittany. "I'm fine, baby," she says calmly, surely. "It's just a scratch…right Q?"
Quinn walks up and gently pulls at the collar of her shirt to get a better look. "Totally," Quinn agrees.
"I'm fine," Santana tells Brittany again, reaching out a grabbing her hand. "It's OK…we'll figure out another way to get the tiger back to Sue."
They're so close to Sue's and can't figure out what else to do but push the car and Brittany volunteers to steer, saying it's her turn since Quinn fed it and Santana's hurt, but she starts complaining once they get to the gate. The tiger is getting pretty close to the door though, but they're finally there and they push the car up to the door and walk up to ring the bell.
Becky answers almost immediately. "You're late."
"Whatever," Santana shrugs. "We had to push it the last mile."
Hesitantly, Becky opens the door wider. "Come on in. Coach has something to show you."
They follow Becky towards the living room, or what Santana imagines is the living room due to the couch and giant TV. It's hard to tell since they're, basically, just maneuvering themselves through endless amounts of trophies.
Becky gestures for them to sit and Sue walks in (cradling a smaller trophy in her arms and stroking it as if it were a cat or a dog) moments after and plops down between Santana and Brittany. "When we got back we took a look at the security cameras."
"Great, thank you," Santana tells her as Becky queues up the video.
The screen comes up and there they are, The Unholy Trinity and Rachel stumbling through Sue Sylvester's lawn. "Oh my God," Quinn sighs. "There she is. There's Rachel."
"I told you she was fine," Santana comments, but she can't stop the smile from spreading across her face. "This is good."
"Why don't we stop all the meaningless chatter and pay attention," Sue cuts in, eyes still glued to the screen. "I don't have all night."
Santana coughs, "Um…yeah…of course. Of course."
The screen changes in front of them, now showing Sue's pool as they stumble up to it. Brittany's actually pushing ahead on the screen, climbing up some rocks that line that side of the pool. "That's me. I'm on TV," Brittany smiles. "I've never been on TV before."
Brittany's still chuckling, but everyone else quiets down as they watch her on screen. Somehow, she manages to start peeing in the pool without taking her pants off or squatting or anything. It's super confusing but Sue Sylvester is not amused. "Really?" she chastises. "Really, B?"
Sue is shooting daggers at Brittany who is squirming in her seat, shifting her gaze from Santana to Quinn and silently asking them what to do. Santana nods her towards the door and Brittany bobs her head once. "Maybe, um," she stumbles. "Should I wait outside?"
"I think that's a good idea," Sue answers right away.
"OK," Brittany says as she stands up and works her way out of the room through the trophies.
"Don't touch anything," Becky warns when Brittany walks past her and out the room.
Uneasiness now lingers in the air, but thankfully the screen changes and it shows them leading the tiger to the police car.
"Just out of curiosity," Sue begins. "Where did you get that cop car from?"
"We, uh," Quinn stammers. "We stole it…from these…dumb ass cops."
A few seconds pass before Sue's face breaks out into a satisfied smile. "Outstanding."
Santana and Quinn chuckle nervously as they watch themselves loading the tiger into the back seat before the screen goes blank. "That's all we got," Becky tells them.
"This was…hugely helpful," Quinn says. "Really. Cause now we know that Rachel was with us at 3:30 totally alive."
"Thanks again, Coach Sylvester," Santana chimes in. "And…we are so sorry we stole your tiger."
"Don't worry about it," Sue responds. "We all do some dumb shit when we're fucked up.
"Now get the hell out of my house."
"You know," Quinn starts as she drives the mangled car. "Everyone says that Sue Sylvester is a cold hearted bitch, but…I think she's kind of a sweetheart."
"I think she's mean," Brittany pouts from the back.
Ignoring Quinn, Santana decides to bring up something that she has been dreading. "Alright," she begins. "I didn't want to do this but…I think it's time we call Kurt."
"Finally you say something that makes sense."
"We don't have much of a choice," Santana shrugs. "And, who knows, maybe he's heard from Rachel."
"That's what I've been saying this whole time."
"We just need to be completely honest and tell him everything."
Quinn holds up a finger as she stops at a light. "Well…what are we gonna do about Mr. and Mr. Berry's car?"
"Relax, Q," she says. "It's just the inside. I know someone in LA who's great with interiors-"
Santana's cut off when an SUV plows into her door and drives them into a pole holding up a neon naked lady sign. They're all screaming and then start freaking out when the sign falls over and slices through the roof of the car, just missing Brittany in the back seat.
The SUV backs up and they're trying to calm down and get out of the car when Santana gets a glimpse of the driver. "Shit."
It's the skinny Asian from the chapel, getting out and walking around to hold open the door for the half naked Asian chick from the trunk of the car. She's fully clothed now, decked out in Goth wear and still sporting the clunky, combat boots they found in the car. "That's the girl from the trunk," Brittany whispers, her voice trembling in fear.
She glares at each one of them before finally speaking. "G-G-Get out of the car. P-P-Please."
Skinny Asian comes to stand next to her and Quinn gasps, "That's the guy that shot Puck."
Asian chick nods her head at Mike and another goon behind them and then Santana, Quinn, and Brittany are be dragged out of the car.
They get lined up against the car as she walks in front of them and tells them, "I w-w-want my p-p-purse back, b-b-bitches."
Santana's eyes flicker to her hand where she's holding a bag identical to Brittany's. The blonde sees it to cause, in spite of her fear, she yells back, "That's not a purse that's a satchel."
"It's a p-p-purse, K? T-T-Tina Cohen-Chang says so," she argues. "And you steal f-f-from wrong girl."
"You know…we don't remember anything that happened last night," Quinn shouts. "So help us out a little here."
"T-T-Tell them, Mike?" Tina prompts.
"Apparently," skinny Asian tells them. "You met at a craps table late last night. The ditzy blonde was on a real heater and Tina played her hot streak. She ended up winning just under eighty grand."
"Holy shit," Santana comments. "Well…that's good."
"Tina put the chips in her purse," Mike goes on. "And then you three took off with it."
"That doesn't sound like us," Quinn laughs nervously.
"M-M-Mine had eighty thousand d-d-dollar inside," Tina speaks through her teeth and clutches the bag before throwing it to the ground and stomping her giant boots all over it. "This one? N-N-Nothing."
"Hey there are Skittles in there!" Brittany shouts, lunging forward and trying to stop Tina. Mike grabs a hold of her and shoves her back into Santana who holds on tight.
"Now look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding," Quinn says, holding up her hands in a peaceful manner. "Brittany picked up the wrong purse. No big deal."
"W-W-Why if it 'no big deal' d-d-did this one," Tina points at Santana. "S-S-Start screaming like crazy and throw m-m-me in t-t-trunk?"
"Yeah," Mike points at Santana too. "You said she was your lucky charm and you wanted to take her home with you."
Santana starts laughing cause that's super ridiculous and Quinn and Brittany join in as well as Tina, but she's just mocking them and cuts herself off and scowl. "F-F-Fuck you," she says. "I-I-If you want to see your f-f-friend again, you get me m-m-my eighty g-g-grand."
"You have Rachel?" Quinn shouts, fists clenching at her sides and stepping forward.
One of the other goons pounds his fist against the SUV and the back seat window rolls down just enough to show a head covered with a black hood and thrashing around. Quinn starts to rush at the car, followed by Santana, but they're held back and the window is rolled up again.
Quinn keeps trying until she's eventually shoved to the ground. Santana helps her up and holds her back as she screams, "What do you want?"
"N-N-Not so tough now," Tina laughs.
"Look, we're very sorry, but this is an easy fix," Santana apologizes hastily before turning to Brittany. "Brittany, where's your purse?"
"I don't know-"
"No," Santana cuts in. "It's in the hotel room, right?"
"We can get it," Quinn nods. "We could even write you a check right now."
"N-N-No check," Tine shakes her head. "C-C-Cash only."
"That's my fiancé in there," Quinn growls.
Tina mimes a yawn and starts walking back to the SUV. "B-B-Boring," she says. "Take n-n-nap now."
Mike helps her in the car and then settles himself behind the driver's seat, ignoring their yells and protests. He starts the car and Quinn is shouting to Rachel that she's there and that they're gonna get her back as the car backs away from them.
She holds on to the bumper of the car and lets go when it jerks to a stop and moves forward. She scoffs, "Run me over."
The car lurches forward again, knocking Quinn in the hip and she stumbles back into Santana. It pulls up so that they're face to face with the back seat window and Tina lowers it just enough so you can see her face.
"B-B-Bring money to b-b-big rock in Mohabbai desert at d-d-dawn."
The car drives away, Brittany comes up and wraps herself around Santana, and Quinn drops down to her knees, screaming into the Vegas night air.
When they get back to the room, Santana doesn't even shut the door behind her. They all start digging through shit, starting with the living room and closets before moving on to the bedrooms and finally reconvening in the living room again.
All three of them are empty handed.
"I looked for it this morning before we left," Brittany says as she starts flipping couch cushions over. "I'm telling you it's not anywhere."
"Fuck," Santana groans, racking her mind for something they could do since they're probably not going to find the bag. "Quinn, how much you got in the bank?"
"Maybe…ten grand," Quinn shrugs. "But it's for the honey moon…"
Quinn trails off as she watches Brittany extract a piece of pizza from the couch and take a bite. "Eww, Brittany…did you just eat sofa pizza?"
The blonde nods as she takes another bite.
Santana pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. "What are we gonna do? We are so fucked."
"Hey, look what I found," Brittany says. Quinn perks up, thinking Brittany found the bag, but she holds up her card counting book and smiles.